Not awesome: Getting sexually harassed by strangers & being made to feel like it’s not a big deal
Even though it was a dreary day and promises to be a dreary weekend, I feel like I need to write about this now. Earlier, I was reading a thread on a local message board where girls were venting about getting catcalled. It was really interesting to read about the experiences that other women have had with street harassment, and also to see the responses of guys who are seemingly unaware at how many females across the board (er, message board?) have to deal with it. As the weather starts to get warmer, I dread the task of getting dressed for the day. Ugh. I’m not sure where to start, or where I’m going with this. I just want to try to explain how this makes me feel in attempt to give people an understanding of why this is not okay.
As much as I want to not care about ‘what others think,’ years and years of some men talking to me a certain way has certainly had a lasting negative impact on my self image. It is so disappointing that these men don’t understand this. I want to shake people and scream, “God, do you have a mother? A sister? Would you want someone talking like this to your daughter?”
In the past, I was afraid talking about this kind of comes off as complaining about getting “hit on too much,” like, “Oh man, my biggest problem is that I’m so hot!” That is hardly the sentiment. If I can stress one thing enough, it’s that it is not a compliment. Also, shrugging your shoulders and telling a girl to get over it is really dismissive of a greater problem.
It is not a compliment for someone to respect you so little to think it is okay to talk to you that way. Getting ogled, hissed at, winked at and smooched at by strangers makes me want to throw up.
A little over a year ago, I was waiting for a bus Downtown around 11 a.m. on a fairly busy street corner. I had just gone to a meeting for my job at the time and was wearing a button down shirt and a pair of jeans (while I have taken the time to describe my outfit, I do I want to point out that I don’t think any woman is at fault for dressing a certain way). I was standing against a building. A man, probably in his late thirties or early forties came right up to me, standing maybe five inches from the front of me. I couldn’t move back any farther. In a quiet, low voice he asked, “Can I buy you?”
At first I think I was shocked. I mean, that is a ludicrous thing to say. Very uncomfortable, I muttered something like, “Uh, what?” So he repeated himself, “Can I buy you?” and reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash held with a rubber band. He was so close to me it was hard for me to see what he was holding at first. I nervously laughed and said, “No thanks,” for some reason, and finally sidestepped my way out of being cornered by him. He pestered me a bit more and then crossed the street, probably looking for some other object, oh, I mean, lady to buy.
The thoughts that ran through my head:
- Why is there no one else at this bus stop? I’m freaked out!
- What made this guy think that I would be receptive to being bought? Do I look available for purchase?
- Why didn’t I just move and shout, “Get away from me, you creep!”
As I pointed out, what you’re wearing or what you look like does not appear to matter to most of these guys. While this is true for me, it still stresses me out that in the spring and summer I am forced to wear less clothes. I am a modest dresser (not just for fear of getting “hit on”) and generally don’t like to wear tops that shows anything beneath the collarbone or bottoms that go above the knee. There is nothing particularly spectacular about my body. I don’t really style my hair and usually don’t wear makeup. (I feel like I want to point at that a “disadvantage” for me is that I am not white. I am exclusively targeted by non-white men. Being “exotic” is its own whole mess and is perhaps a story for another day.) Over the winter, I was honked and yelled at walking down the street in a winter coat, so it would seem that just being able to determine that I am female is enough to warrant the harassment. While it was snowing, a man said to me, “Hey sexy,” while I had a hat pulled right over my eyes and my scarf wrapped around the lower part of my face, leaving only my scowling eyes visible.
A few years ago, when my self-esteem was at an all-time low, I had gotten to the point where I was so depressed that I didn’t want to go outside at all. I hated being looked at. By anyone. It wasn’t a boost, like, “Oh haay, that guy thinks I’m pretty!” I usually could (and still can) tell when someone was going to say something to me, and the anticipation and follow through made me feel terrible. What an awful sense to develop.
The “Can I buy you?” story has become like a fable to my friends because I have used it so often as an example of the inappropriate things men have said/done to me. Thankfully, only a few times have I had to deal with people putting their hands on me. A few months ago I was walking a really short distance with my headphones, a few said something and I was leered at. Maybe these guys were emboldened by thinking I couldn’t hear them, which I pretended not to, but hey, I’m not blind and I was listening to a quiet song. I have been honked at when I’m walking alone. Cars have pulled up to me and a driver or passenger has suggestively asked if I wanted a ride (this once happened twice in less than ten minutes). One time in college, a man got out of his car (after failing to catch my attention by shouting at me) and chased me up the street to try to get my phone number and issuing me a “ticket for being too beautiful,” which was maybe a successful maneuver for him in the past but utterly terrifying to me.
Oh – and I almost forgot to even mention the problem of reacting. I am at the point where I try to ignore it if I can. I tend to meekly be polite, but I hate myself for this because it only reinforces that it’s cool to act like that. As many other women know, getting angry about it usually makes the dudes turn violent pretty quickly. Curious, because if I’m such a bitch, why were you just trying to get my phone number? Perhaps you should take this as a lesson to try to get a know a person before you sexually proposition them.
The rational, logic part of me says, “You shouldn’t give a second thought to these kinds of people because they obviously lack a moral compass and don’t know right from wrong, and get their kicks by mistreating others. They’re dumb. And they either think they’re being nice or acting within their right by disregarding the fact that I am a human person.” I really wish that the attention was harmless. I wish I could ever go anywhere without having to be prepared for unwanted looks and advances. I want file it under “It Could Be Worse.” Ultimately, it is their problem. Unfortunately, I’m the only one who feels bad about it.
Hi,
I read and quietly enjoy the truespies blogs fairly regularly, particularly yours, but this once I just wanted to comment that I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING HERE.
I’m also non-white, black black black as it happens, and it sometimes feels like just by virtue of that, I’m automatically less than a person and now an object to be sexually approached or commented on. Wearing shorts shouldn’t give me anxiety. Or even jeans. But it does. God help me if I wear a dress. I’ve been walking home from the gym a hot mess and guys have spun by in their cars and made their little comments.(One guy even parked his car, got out, proceeded to badger me for my number telling me I was so sexy blah blah blah and tried to follow me home.) Last summer, I dreaded walking down Forbes Avenue in Oakland to get to the bus stop because there would always, ALWAYS, be these groups of guys hanging out on the street corners, eyeing me up as I walked past and commenting on my body. Daily.
And that shit is so messed up.
I often wonder…do these dudes really think they’re going to pick up women this way? They can’t possibly. (Unless I overestimate the women of this town.) Then why the hell do they do it? It’s like they do it just because they can, like it’s a way of reasserting their masculinity/superiority/look-at-me-i-have-a-penis-and-am-so-mighty or some similar bullshit.
whatever, man. it’s kind of a lose-lose situation with no real solution–like you said, you can’t really react negatively because that could start a confrontation, and if you just ignore it, these mofos just think it’s A ok and keep on. arggggghhhhh.
but it could be worse, it could always be worse.
Yeah, I almost want to stop and try to have a conversation about their tactics, but am afraid that would either upset them or just lead to further harassment. While I think this could be enlightening and interesting to write about, I’m a bit too afraid of pissing off the wrong person. I really want to ask about their success rates though…
Again, I am foiled by myself. Just like if you’re hot or not doesn’t matter, getting the digits is not the point either. I have to stop letting myself forget this.
I wanted to first say that I totally feel ya on this and that I’m glad you put this out there. You are tough! Not unlike most girls in that thread, I too have experienced this more often than I could really guess. It makes me doubly uncomfortable that I am the size of a child and can barely protect myself from anything. Do you think this is a yinzer thing? Have you experienced it other places? In Lexington things like this never happened to me. But in Pittsburgh! All! The! Time! I have muuuuuch more to respond but will later.
I also wanted to comment (and this is a totally irrelevant anecdote) that once I was sitting outside of the dollar store on Liberty with the dog waiting for Sarah to come out when these little boys came up to me and asked if they could pet the dog. Our dialog went something like this:
me: “Sure, you can pet her.”
boy: “Is she a virgin?”
me totally astounded: “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
boy: “you know, has she done it?”
me: “i never thought to ask”
boy: “can she do it?”
me: “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
boy: “can she make puppies?”
me: “uhhhhhh no”
boy: “but is she a virgin? has she done it?”
me: “i got her from the shelter. i don’t know. this is inappropriate. she is fixed and can not have puppies. i have to go.” (sarah come out of the store)
They then followed me all the way home.
Really, the only places I have not encountered this kind of thing is in the town where I grew up, when I visited San Francisco, and when I visit my family because I barely go anywhere outside when I do.
In terms of Pittsburgh, it is not limited to neighborhoods because the motorcar makes these creeps mobile, so it can happen where I would least expect it. I got it a lot in Oakland during college, a decent amount Downtown, the Bloomfield/Garfield/Friendship/East Liberty area, the South Side, on the bus…basically anywhere I have ever been.
Definitely a little bit in New York, but part of what I like/dislike about the city is the ability to just get lost in the crowd there, and I feel like the pervs don’t always go out of their way to bother you. Maybe the sheer amount of people just shuts them down. The most DISGUSTING thing was when Becca and I were running to get our bus and a guy yelled, “I like the way your titties bounce!” Absurd.
Sometimes when I see a really beautiful girl, I wonder how much worse it could be for her, but then I remember that is not the point.
“I like the way your titties bounce!”
that was a fun one. hrmph.
First of all, though this may be beyond the point, I want to stress that those kids Elaina is talking about were BOYS and should not be thinking about virginity let alone in reference to dogs. There is this video on YouTube (and it is sort of funny) of this little 3 year old dancing. He’s very good and creative with his moves. The problem is, he’s dancing to the Whisper Song by the Ying Yang Twins. I used to do my share of singing/dancing to songs that were likely inappropriate (Sophie B Hawkins, Damn I wish I was your Lover) but I really think there is a significant difference between that song on the radio, and the words in the Whisper Song. Do his parents KNOW WHAT THAT SONG SAYS?! That child is going to grow up to harass women with catcalls and asking if dogs are virgins.
Anyway, Lydia, I cannot believe that someone actually had the audacity to say that to you. It really is a problem and I’m impressed and happy you pointed it out. I’ve had similar things said to me. It’s degrading and it really makes women uncomfortable and I have been on the verge of tears as a result of a comment.
Elaina, I wonder if it IS Pittsburgh though I have no idea why it would be….I’ve never had it happen to me in Cincinnati, a similar demographic.
OH GOD. While I know it’s none of my business, I hate when inappropriate things like that happen around children. Like on the bus this morning, after a man stared at me from his car at a red light when I was waiting at the stop, I overheard a woman describing some other woman as a ‘whore’ and ‘an evil slut’ and hypothesizing about ‘who’s dick she’s sucking’ right in front of her kid. UGH.
Yeah, a lot of people seem to miss that getting hissed at is literally dehumanizing. I’m not a stray cat.
I think I’ve blocked out a lot of the other things that have been said to me. It really upsets me to think about it
hey just read your post.
being a femi-nazi, i has some thoughts that i would like to share.
i get called a fag fairly regularly and while it’s a different kind of experience, there is at least the parallel of having to think about what you’re wearing and where you’re going and knowing that some environments are almost guaranteed to include harassment and being demeaned by total strangers because they feel like hurting you will make them better.
i think with men accosting women it’s directly related to insecurity and anger. they’re angry that a girl like you wouldn’t date them. they’re insecure about their own value. i think that this is the core of gender inequality. men are pissed that they women they desire do not desire them. so they seek revenge. they demean them, sabotage them, find ways to define them as inferior, flex their muscles and say – look how much stronger i am, don’t you dare confront me – this is why i dislike our love for men are X / women are Y bullshit. like men are calculating, women are emotional. what bullshit. we have constructed these sensations to keep gender order because of jealousy, anger and retribution.
and frankly we’re fucked. those of us who care are so fucking mind-numbingly outnumbered by those who are apathetic or actually contemptuous that any hope of moving forward seems the fantasy of idiots.
but i guess we should at least keep posting things like your post and making films about this kind of shit.
and i guess try to remember that none of these fuckers will ever be loved by anyone like you.
I really loved this response. More boys need to post thoughts, plz!
I think for the rest of my life I will quote this to myself when being catcalled:
“none of these fuckers will ever be loved by anyone like you.”
My first reaction to reading things like this is to ask how, in 2009, people like that still exist, or still think that it is acceptable to talk to or proposition women (or anybody) like that. It is really infuriating and scary from a guy’s perspective as well because it isn’t always the ones that you might expect that behave that way. It isn’t always the frat boys or the sketchy old guys or the suits with cologne.
It also isn’t just Pittsburgh–I’ve heard lots of awful stories from friends in Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal and elsewhere. I’ve also spent a fair amount of time in Latin America where things like this are obviously very prevalent (e.g. “machismo”). Latin American women–whether they dress suggestively or not–respond very differently. Some ignore it, others are dismissive and others play into it and try to tease the men and embarrass them. What has always made me uncomfortable is the excuse that it is just “cultural.” The degree to which it is tolerated is “cultural”, but that isn’t an excuse for doing it. There are lots of cultural behaviors that you could point out as being distasteful, disrespectful, or even evil.
My point is that this sexual harassment in North America has always seemed even creepier than in Latin America because I’ve always understood that it was pretty clear that it is wrong. I have a hard time believing that people can’t figure out that it is such a damaging act since it is well publicized as a crime.
Maybe I should just hand out business cards with a link to this post on it to these guys. “Oh, you will find my phone number at this address!” The problem is only good guys like you and my other guy friends are going to read this, and you’re already awesome.
Hey,
It’s really weird, when I was at Pitt, that was the first time I had ever experienced this. Maybe being from L.A. since we don’t walk around so much I don’t get the cat calls. Then when I went to South Carolina,man that was bad. Being in San Diego, I only experience it when I’m out in the gaslamp at night going to the club but walking to and from school not really. Perhaps it’s a regional thing. I don’t know. Also I remember that after a awhile and telling people this they automatically thought I brought this to myself since I do like to wear skirts and dresses and heels. But yes I do feel it is a racial thing because I rarely see my white girl friends get catcalls. I also remember someone telling me if I go to Italy or Eastern Europe by myself as a black female that you are surely going to get this behavior because the connote black females to the immigrant prostitutes. Ugh
Sigh. I know. Getting into the race stuff is so complicated, I’m afraid to start.
I think race can defenitly play a part. Women are more likey to be the victims if sexual abuse then men, and female minorities are that much more likely. It’s a very depressing thought for sure. I tend to ignore what I can, but I think the obvious theme here is that it has nothing to do with you as a person, your reaction, or even sex — it’s about control. And that’s the part that makes me feel gross.
Lydia, this was a great post and I’m so glad you wrote it. I really, REALLY hate when someone says some shit like this and then I don’t react in the badass way I wish I did–it’s like getting it twice, first the creepy bullshit and then the feeling of having let it go, tacitly agreeing to the victimization. I often fail to call people out on it because I’m so shocked and disgusted by the initial violation that my wit fails me. And then there are times when what’s said is fairly innocuous on the surface and I feel dumb getting worked up but it’s still an attack on my agency as a person. Just yesterday I was walking home and moping about some stuff and some douche on his porch called down to me, “Don’t look so sad, JESUS!” I managed a snarl, but I wish I had said a few things. Things like “Don’t tell me what to do!” or “Why not?” or “Fuck you, buddy, I AM so sad right now. I have a life that extends past your visual pleasure!” And, like you said, I KNEW he was going to have something to say the whole time I was getting ready to walk past him. I get so disappointed, too, when men I choose to keep company with see this kind of shit happen and fail to understand why I feel like crying and screaming. It’s so frustrating when I’m walking with a man and get a comment or get the slow, filthy eye-fuck and the guy just laughs it off. AUGH!!!
Dooooood I HATE when men say “don’t look so sad” or “why do you always look mean?” to me. JUST BECAUSE I DON’T SMILE ALL THE FRIGGING TIME DOESN’T MEAN I NEED YOU TO CHEER ME UP.
I was talking to my friend at lunch today about how any route you take for a comeback is ultimately going to be ineffectual because their main objective is to exercise their masculinity over you (as Ben pointed out above) and could care less about the actual possible success of such comments. You freak out: they win; you ignore them: they win; you try to explain to them why it is wrong: they probably think you’re a crazy bitch and think they’ve won, and so on.
I wanted to mention the “SMILE!” thing, but it is its own phenomenon. Under the same umbrella, I guess. An airline worker was chatting me up in a kind of overly-friendly way, but he started getting on my nerves because I visibly upset. Finally, he’s like, “What were you in town for?” and I told him, “My father’s funeral,” but not in a mean GOTCHA kind of way, and I think he felt really bad. This wasn’t the same as the random, “Smile! It don’t cost nothing!” (someone said this to me a few weeks ago) but yeah, I don’t have a duty to the public to be happy all of the time. I used to be a lot more bubbly and I think I’ve been worn down by years of all this.
It’s funny how I can hardly think of examples in my life because I have trained myself to instantly dismiss it and forget because stuff like this does happen on a daily basis. I do remember one time I was at a bar and this guy kept touching me. My friend who is a bartender walked me out holding my hand to protect me and we told the bouncer. The bouncer just laughed at me and did nothing about this guy. Instead I left and the douchebag stayed. Thanks…..
Wow. Thank you for writing this. It is nice to know that so many other women feel the same way as I do when this happens. I think having read this will help me avoid feeling like it is a personal weakness to just ignore the insulting catcalls and keep walking.
This is VERY well written and thoughtful. I hope many men read this. Hopefully it will make them think before they open up their mouths. As a man I tend to think that most men simply do not think before they speak or act, because in our society they don’t have to. It’s a sad state of affairs, but true. Every woman I know has similar experiences as those related in this blog and the responses. THAT is insane to me, but it’s the TRUTH.
Fellas, stop it.
Maybe one option is to carry some mace. Seriously. That “Can I buy you” shit is 100% TOTALLY a mace-able offense. I’m not being glib here. I don’t know if it would solve anything, but it might get the creep away faster. Of course mace doens’t help being cat called from cars and such, but it’s one small thing.
Again, thinks for writing this.
I fear that I was mostly just preaching to the choir on this one. Well, if anything, I think at least dudes who are not predisposed to do this but have maybe not really thought about it before have read it, so that is something.
I actually do have mace, but would only use it when threatened with bodily harm. I am pretty terrified of a mugger easily disarming me and just using it against me though. Uggggh.
[...] CLICK HERE!!! [...]
[...] on May 5, 2009 Thanks to everyone who has commented on, has read, or is about to read my previous entry. I really appreciate all of the feedback. As evidenced by the conversations I’ve had with several [...]
I found this blog through a link on Facebook and I like what I see so far. I must point out that I’ve read a few comments about white women rarely getting cat called. Well as a white woman I’d like to open your eyes.
My mother and I have an apartment and the neighborhood nearby is mostly black with a few Hispanics. I constantly get cat called and the comments are every bit as degrading as anything anybody else experiences. I had one jerk tell me to “come and sit on my face”, or rather scream it from across the street. They seem to want to humiliate me for being white first and a woman second. Even when I go to places where it’s mostly white, I get ignored by everyone except black and Hispanic men. I just want to point out to these people that believe that white women don’t get harassed, that they do.