Sleighs & slankets, or lack thereof
On the bus this morning, a guy, partially standing up in his seat, was talking about how he was locked up and how easy it is to hang yourself if you want to, explaining how to do so in great detail. Sheesh, buddy! Other highlights:
“He would choke people out and like, throw them down the stairs, or whatever…but these were people who really deserved it.”
“There is no fine print! I shouldn’t even be on Myspace, dude! All I meet is fat girls with fifty thousand kids. If I could meet a woman with one kid…”
Aim high! He said his full name at one point, and I only wish I remembered it so I could refer to his profile now. Shit life.
***
On Christmas Eve and Christmas day, I managed to watch both Home Alone and A Christmas Story more than once. The whole time I just rambled on at what great child actors these films had. Ralphie brilliantly acted out the narration, but Kevin McAllister sometimes bordered on being too annoyingly precocious. He was one sick kid, coming up with some of those booby-traps. He was just defending his home, the best way The Good Son would know how. I also watched Elf, which I had previously dismissed but enjoyed this go-around.
I ended the night with (non-holiday movie) Hard Eight, which gave me movie déjà vu, but I’m pretty sure I had never seen it before, unless I was younger and just don’t remember. It was Paul Thomas Anderson’s first film and has great dialogue and an incredible scene starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. It stars Philip Baker Hall, John C. Reilly, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Samuel L. Jackson. This is me, recommending it to you.
I got this nice blanket:
but not this:
Thanks, Pete. How in the hell do expect me to answer the phone, let alone change the channel?!
I don’t think I really wanted anything for Christmas this year, but if I did, I don’t think I got it (I’m speaking vaguely of non-material possessions). Also, Fun-a-day is getting dangerously close and I haven’t decided on a project yet! Halp me, internet!
Saint Nick’el and Dimed
Say what you will about Paula Deen, but I wish I could marry into this crazy white haired, blue eyed chef’s family because she is hilarious. I could only wish to be half as happy as Paula Deen is. Last year, my aunt gave me Christmas with Paula Deen, and this year I looked to it for inspiration. Instead, I found a recipe for Chocolate Cheese Fudge on page 22. What sets Paula Deen apart from other telepicures are her quirky personal stories that she sometimes includes with her recipes. After bringing some of this fudge to the park, this is how her friends responded (emphasis mine):
“Her mouth dropped open after I told her the fudge was made with Velveeta cheese. “You’re sh—ing me!” one of them said, which is not the language these ladies normally use! After all, this is the South.”
Oh Paula Deen, you’re such a cutup!
Speaking of Cutups, I went to LazerCrunk for the first time last week. Cutups and Keeb$ are quite an adorable pair of DJs. I wrote up a little thing featuring their guest DJ, Dizzer Math Head, from Brooklyn. He was also a nice guy, so I’m glad I made it out. The ultimate failure of the night was my botched attempt to give him a business card. I usually always have one in my wallet, but I recently gave it to my sister as a keepsake of how funny it is that I have a business card. I missed my first opportunity to give someone one and have it be legit. The search to give my life meaning must go on.
Christmas is fast approaching and I’ve only begun to think about what I’m going to make everyone. Maybe a little cross stitching, maybe a little latch hooking…who knows, the possibilities of the crap I will make are endless. This is something I purchased for a white elephant exchange. Isn’t it precious?:
While entertaining, I ended up making peppermint bark and pretzel peanut bark, which was a silly endeavor because white chocolate is a million dollars. There are going to be some holiday cutbacks because I have to sacrifice my art to be warm. Merry Christmas, Dominion Gas! Also, it seems I can’t help but be frivolous, even in the face of bankruptcy. Maybe I’ll ring in the New Year with a third job. Hey mon!
Potpourri
It’s so disheartening when you think you made up a clever phrase or particularly precious pun and then you Google it and it has over like 100,000 results. Such a bummer. Lately I’ve just been turning everything into internet words or Apple products by separating the e or i from the beginning.
***
Last night there were these two little wise-alecks on my bus. One of them was five and the other is turning eight today. Here are some highlights from their conversation:
5-year-old: “What do you want tomorrow?”
7 (now 8)-year old: “I want a PS2, PS3, PSP, money, money, money, money, money, money, money. That’s (counts fingers)…seven monies. That’s gonna be a million bucks.”
5-year-old, after thinking a minute: “Get one game – and a whole bunch of toys!” (I believe there was some selfish motivation in this sentiment.)
At this point, the 5-year old had become restless of the bus. He threw his tiny gloved hands into the air and groaned: “Oh my god! I need to get off! Can I get off?”
5-year-old, to their mother: “How much are you going to pay him [for his birthday]?”
8-year-old: “Twenty dollars? Ten dollars? One dollar? I want a thousand bucks.”
5-year-old: “Give him ten dollars, yo. No! None. Zero dollars.”
***
My friend Jason has breezed back in town after adventuring all over North America for the past few months. Being in his presence has lifted my spirits a bit, but at the same time just makes me realize what a miserable griper I’ve become. We talked about growing up and other time-related quandaries. I’m in a funk. I’m hoping snapping some pictures throughout January will snap me out of it.
Anyway, I sold an old (well, new) camera on eBay and I’m going to use the money to buy the updated version of it. I should probably use the money to pay my student loans or something, but whatever, you live once, and I want to take pictures of things I think I want to remember.
Before you die, you see the chair
Last night, my roommate and I witnessed a baffling half-fight at the bar right as we left at closing time. Derek protected me from stray punches, but he couldn’t save me from the bartender pushing me into a wall on his way to break up the brawl! It was really not a big deal, but I like to pretend it was. This is just a Tai from Clueless-esque cry for attention.
When we came home the chair that is usually in our backyard was up against one of the doors of upstairs neighbor’s car. It was peculiar. It was quiet and the snow was falling gently but for some reason, the weather outside was frightful! I thought we had been creepy crawled*. Like some serial killer marks you with an out of place piece of furniture and you’re next.
This irrational fear is brought to you by occasionally reading about serial killers on Wikipedia, Law & Order, SVU, and Dexter.
It just turned out that her door wouldn’t shut completely because it was frozen.
*Creepy crawling is written about in Helter Skelter. It was when the Manson family would break into houses and rearrange things, pre-murder, or sometimes just for fun as pointed out by Andy. I really wish I could un-know a lot of things.
Keanu barada nikto
I saw The Day the Earth Stood Still last night at the IMAX with Rob, Ian, and Pete. I managed to chuckle inappropriately a lot during this film too, but I’m not saying that I have a problem. My favorite moment was when after the kid takes the alien to the graveyard and asks him to bring his father back to life and is crying with his stepmom, I shook my hand around to symbolize his dad’s zombie hand coming out of the ground, and then a moment later, a man two rows ahead of us did the same thing.
I think that loving the original gave me an automatic appreciation for this remake (also, it almost gratuitously takes place in New Jersey). For those who are unfamiliar, the original premise is that a humanoid alien named Klaatu and his big robot BFF, Gort, with whom he shares a safe word, come to inform Earthlings that in order to save the planet, humans will have to be destroyed. Humans naturally freak out and try to kill him with our normal wicked ways, and he runs around with a pretty lady and realizes, hey, maybe these Earth denizens can change!
While I enjoyed this movie and do think that if there had to be a remake, this is the right time, it ultimately failed. Obviously, sci-fi films can be remade over and over again because, as Klaatu first recognized, people don’t change and the same things that we are usually warned will lead to these dystopian futures have been and are always going to stay the same.
Another obviously great film, The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956), has had a handful of remakes and other derivative films it inspired. To oversimplify, in 1978, instead of communism, the threat to mankind is governmental interference and destroyed family values and in The Invasion (Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig), the overarching threat is clearly terrorism. While the recent remake was a flop and cast with people made of wood, I enjoyed its use of technology as they tried to understand the pods from a scientific standpoint. I guess we do see an update about how Klaatu gets his form, in addition to a ton of inexplicable and outlandish powers he and Gort now have, but this is just a matter of special effects now versus then.
But yeah, unlike these remakes, the point of 2008’s The Day the Earth Stood Still is vague at best. This movie is all Keanu Reeves – looking great in a suit, as per usual. As most people are probably saying, he works as a sort of non-human that can kind of feel stuff drone. Jennifer Connelly gave a decent performance as another beautiful scientist, and Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is adorable but too realistically annoying. Supporting cast, like John Hamm (see previous post about Don Draper), John Cleese, and Kathy Bates make the best of their combined few minutes on screen. Now let’s check out Gort’s makeover! The line from the original is never employed to turn him off. He’s bulked up, can shape shift, and is ready to decimate some shit!
I would have liked to have seen Klaatu witness more of why humans need to be wiped out, which would have given the film some sort of lesson. I also would have like to have seen more landmarks get destroyed because it’s scary. It’s not enough to come to Earth (or bring this film to the screen) just saying, hey, we’ve been looking, and your race has really made a mess, and we’re going to clean it up. So, in the end, I was entertained and recommend this movie as a matinee. It delivers some laughs, both intentional and non, and is fun to look at.
While Connelly’s character was pleading with Klaatu and saying that “we can change!” it was really hard to not to think about Barack Obama. Clearly, this is not change that Klaatu can believe in.
TV changed my life, then my life changed TV
Look at this suave son of a bitch. Don Draper of Mad Men.
Women love this character and I really don’t understand it. I mean, he’s attractive enough and has a manly, gravelly voice, but he’s a serial adulterer and liar. He’s in the profession of persuasion, but I’m not buying what he’s selling.
Ultimately, I’m surprised that I don’t like Don. He’s the television archetype I used to love! Now that I’ve rampaged through some real life relationships and am partially grown up, it seems my taste in real and leading men has changed. I’m a decent girl, but I like good looking, arrogant jerks.
Growing up, these were my top three TV heartthrobs. These crushes were at their ultimate in unattainability because they were, sigh, fictional.
Zack Morris. Look at that handsome devil. He was always scheming when he wasn’t dating nearly every major/minor female student at Bayside. Jack Tripper had a date every night while scheming on his roommates and pretending to be gay. Sam Malone was the ladies man of Cheers, though mostly through legend from his days on the Red Sox. Though I enjoyed his relationship with Rebecca, Sam’s relationship with Diane set the standard for sitcom romance.
While being a babe is fun and everything, all of these guys were womanizers with tons of emotional problems that always got by on their looks and charm. Zack was a total asshole and manipulated all of his best friends on a regular basis, Jack was a compulsive liar and a total slut, and Sam was an immature recovering/relapsing alcoholic. Oh, but their wild ways could be tamed! Zack eventually married Kelly of course, Jack married some random girl he had been dating (and not Janet, wtf?) to create the awful spin off, Three’s a Crowd, and Sam got his act together and found closure with Diane.
Don, who is from a serial drama and not a sitcom, is obviously more complex. And you, know, real life guys are even more so. Recklessness and emotional unavailability are suddenly not so cute. Anyway, I’m glad the age of the dorky nice guys is taking over (think Jim Halpert, not Chuck). I’d much rather be Pam than Diane.
Things that happened in the past week
- On Wednesday, I emerged from my cave to see Mariage Blanc and The Spinto Band with Emily. I was drowsy but glad that I made it out. Mariage Blanc is my favorite local band that I’ve heard since I’ve been here. They’re nice guys, they put on a good show (there’s a trumpet!), and their EP is very well produced.
- On Thursday night, Kelly and I did the Cookie Tour, which ended up being the String of Disappointments tour. I really like the overall idea of the tour, to get people out and about on foot in Larryville, but some of the store owners were a tad unfriendly for such an event. However, I did walk around on Butler more than I ever have and got to stop in some shops that are generally not open when I can go to them. I got to holler at my buds at Fresh Heirlooms and met a really nice girl who worked at Pratique Yoga (perhaps coincidentally, the best cookies were in these locations). I talked her ear off about writing about TV on the internet. I couldn’t believe she was listening. I jokingly told her I’ve never done yoga because I think it’s a fad.
- On Saturday I dined with Elaina and her boy crew at suburban Mad Mex. Her boyfriend and I kept demanding Sprite even though we knew they serve Pepsi products. Here, I ate a wheat quesadilla with black beans, cheese, pineapples, and steak. It was okay. I don’t necessarily recommend it.
- I decided I’m going to take part in Fun-A-Day PGH. The idea is to do something creative daily throughout January, and at the end, there is a show for everyone to show off how they met their goal. I think mine will be photography related. My original idea was to invent something at the beginning of the week and work on the prototype for the rest of it, but I already know I’m too lazy to do that. I ordered some things I need to try my hand at screenprinting. This might be a productive winter.
OH SHIT
Hey DJ Dizzer fans, if you found my blog to find out more about wreckin’ decks n’ gettin’ sex, then you’ve come to the right place. This is for you.
The Unblogged
Yesterday, Becca, Dallah and I went to see Role Models, which was great. One of the highlights of the afternoon happened before the movie even started. We laughed, even guffawed, at a ridiculous trailer for this totally absurd looking movie, The Unborn*. Submitted for your approval:
Disclaimer: Ridiculous bullshit contained within. Also, I hate to promote this film, but I feel you might need to see this trailer to understand the mind boggled state we were in.
This hot, poor man’s Meghan Fox gets bashed in the head by a creepy kid she’s babysitting who may be possessed. She finds out (from Dexter’s Vince Masuka) that her eye might be two different colors because she’s a twin, but she’s an only child…or is she? Her dad or someone (Dexter’s dad, Harry) tells her that she was supposed to have a twin but he died. Guess who’s haunting her now for some reason, raising the question – can you be haunted by someone if they were never born???
I would bet you that there’s some prolife argument in this movie, but that would suggest there’s even a point at all. The gruesome and graphic (and stupid) content of this trailer at one point made Dallah quietly exclaim, “Whaaat?” I could see that someone in our row was looking in our direction with a really serious expression. These are the words that left his mouth:
“Could you be quiet, please?”
I wanted to do a lot of things. There were so many retorts simultaneously building in my head that I’m not sure I could have extracted one quickly enough. I was in absolute shock. Dude, I’m so sorry that our stifled giggling got in the way of you being able to comprehend this challenging trailer for the movie that is bound to be 2009’s One Missed Call. WE’RE HERE TO SEE FUCKING ROLE MODELS. LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.
Later, Dallah spotted a piece of cheddar popcorn on the bathroom floor that looked like a dislodged tooth, and all was right in the world again.
Today, Rob and I were waiting patiently to cross the street so we could cop some Sree’s. In front of us, an SUV tried to go through what was about to be a yellow light, only to realize s/he was going to partially block the intersection. S/he started to backup, which was not possible due to the fact that there was a car right there as well as a woman pushing a stroller trying to cross the street. In my mind, I was already thinking, “That person is driving like an asshole, but is this lady seriously going to push her baby behind a car that is rolling backwards?” She starting yelling at the driver, cussing about hating being downtown and why would you drive into the intersection and such (not that this is an exclusive downtown behavior). Everything about this situation stressed me out. I hate a driver who endangers pedestrians as well as people who cuss, let alone scream profanities, in front of children. Let’s hear it for sweating the small stuff.
But now, I’m thinking: Would I have been just as guilty as this shouting woman if I had flipped out on the guy at the movies? Was I just jealous of her ability to speak her mind, albeit inappropriately and very loudly? More importantly, why do I care about any of these assholes? Even harder to deal with – were we the assholes?
*We were apparently not the only ones…just the only ones in this particular theater. From imdb.com:
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The trailer for this movie came up before the movie Role Models and the audience laughed throughout the entire thing, and I thought that that was a little strange. |
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I went and saw Role Models as well when I saw this trailer, and I’ve gotta say it scared me. I looked around and everyone was riveted. No one laughed. It looks pretty scary. |
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“and the man with the tilited head coming down the stairs was scary too.” lolwut. when i saw that i was in hysterics. everyone else in the theater was cracking up at how terrible this movie looked. |
I never thought I’d agree with someone who says, “lolwut.”
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